“And this ‘real’ / It’s impossible if possible / At who’s blind word /So clear but so unheard” – Silversun Pickups, Lazy Eye
There are moments when it is hard to have blind faith.
I am at a point in my life where I can recognize that my spiritual faith is not blind. It may not be built on something that I can always see and hold, but it is built on something solid. It is becoming increasingly easier as I grow in my faith to hold on hope. So I tend to get a bit blown over when my blind faith in people who I had an expectation of trust with falls short.
In my not-too-distant past I made what I thought was a deep and meaningful connection to someone. The connection felt very real, and the despite the warnings and suggestions of friends, I believed that the impossible was possible and that I found a person to whom I could connect with on the deepest of levels. I approached that relationship with blind faith, believing the the atmosphere of trust that I was experiencing, allowing myself to reach into recesses of my soul in human ways that I had not dared to explore in years, if ever. Unfortunately, while that connection seemed concrete to me, I was missing the clearness that was unheard – that this person was indeed unsafe, and my heat was broken.
I had thought I had moved on. After a series of truly unrelated events this weekend I discovered I had not.
One of these events was a realization that arose while riding home from church with a friend. She mentioned that in any relationship it is ultimately up to the person who holds the authority in the relationship (be it romantic, familial, or professional) to be the person who does not violate the trust. With authority comes responsibility. Later that same evening, a different friend stated that the person who had the most control over the relationship was the person who cared the least. When we care more, we have more to lose, and ultimately we have less power within that relationship.
Reflecting back on the relationship I thought was clear which proved to be rather murky, I believe both friends were right. I took the bigger risk by being the most present in that relationship, and in doing so, relinquished my power/authority. The person who cared the least, the person with the authority in our relationship, was the person who ultimately violated the trust.
This recognition is a challenging place for me to sit in at the moment because one of the most infinitely beautiful things about being in relationship with God is that the impossible is possible. God loves me the most, more than I could ever think to love God. If this theory were true and to play out, someone would have to loose. Yet neither looses. In my relationship with God, I am never let down. My trust is never violated. I am never manipulated, taken advantage of, disrespected, dismissed, ignored, cast aside, or will have to live in a state in which any of those things could happen. The impossible is not only possible but it just is.
It is such a sacred relationship, and I recognize that for myself there is a part of me that wishes I could duplicate that sense of trust in even the smallest of levels here on earth. I can clearly feel God’s love for me, I can see it, even if I’ve never heard some divine manifestation say, “I love you, Tina.” The impossible is possible, and there is safety in intimacy.
I believe and will continue to believe that this impossible love will find its way to meet each and everyone of us in some form of a human relationship throughout the course of our lives. I will continue to hold on hope. I believe that God will continue to make the impossible possible with us to God, but also with us to one another.